His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
