God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
