Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
