I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
