The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
