I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
