I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
