fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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