he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
