I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
