I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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