Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she peed on how many people?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
