who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
