ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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