apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
