Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
