You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
