I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize