If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
do nipples grow back?
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