Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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