I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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