I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
