he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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