she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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