I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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