I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
