he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
