Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
