You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
