did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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