just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
