a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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