i may or may not be watching the land before time
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
