Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
