I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize