i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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