Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
