Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
