How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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