The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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