Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
this is an emotional support booty call
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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