Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
