Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just puked most of my soul out..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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