i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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