In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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