I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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