Are we in a gay sports bar?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
