why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
