Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize