chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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