mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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