I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
