i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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