im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
