ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
