Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
