the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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