A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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