Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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