And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize