I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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