I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
