my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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