Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So vagazzling was a success
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
