matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
